Responding to Tantrums & Meltdowns: keeping your sanity during COVID 19
If you’re a parent, chances are you’ve witnessed a tantrum or two already since the schools closed due to the coronavirus. Let’s be honest, you may have had one or two yourselves.
It’s a frightening time. We’re in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, with cities and even entire countries shutting down. Some of us are in areas that have already been affected by coronavirus. Others are bracing for what may come. Our routines have been completely uprooted and all of us are wondering, “What is going to happen next?”
Not all children and teens respond to stress in the same way. Some of the things you might notice include:
Returning to behaviors they have outgrown (for example, toileting accidents or bedwetting)
Excessive worry or sadness
Difficulty with attention and concentration
Avoidance of activities enjoyed in the past
Poor self-regulation and large and variable emotional responses
What is self-regulation?
Self-regulation allows kids to manage their emotions, behavior and body movement when faced with tough situations and triggers. That means kids know how to figure out that they need to calm themselves down when they get upset. They’re able to be flexible when expectations change, and they can resist giving in to frustrated outbursts. This skill develops over time. But, stress makes it harder for all of us to access our self-regulation skills so it’s not surprising if you’re noticing that you or your children are having a tougher time managing your emotions than usual.
Here at Compass, we offer parent-coaching and training for kids around emotional self-regulation. We can help kids learn to better notice, monitor, and recognize their feelings, and build strategies that they can use to respond in the moment.
We’ll be offering more resources on the coming weeks to help you support and teach these skills. But that doesn’t help when the meltdown is already in process. So what can you do?
First, ID the meltdown triggers
At 3 to 5, they struggle with . . .
Unexpected changes. Kids this age crave predictability, so a sudden switch in their daily routine can cause a meltdown. That’s why creating a schedule is so important. We have resources on creating a schedule here.
Their own limits. This is also the stage where kids want to do everything themselves — even though, developmentally, they’re not quite ready. Result: frustration and (you guessed it) freak-outs.
Overloaded brains. Learning new responsibilities is stressful for preschoolers. With all of the changes happening in their house right now, even a run-of-the-mill reminder can set them off.
At 6 to 7, they can’t deal with . . .
Comparisons. By now, kids have the ability to categorize and compare, and the focus on who is better/prettier/taller/whatever makes children super-sensitive to criticism. Contrasting your kiddo’s behavior to his sister’s, say, is a surefire tantrum trigger. Ditto comments (even if well-meant) about another kid’s slam-dunk basketball skills.
Battles over limits. Young grade-schoolers have gained some independence, like being able to tie their own shoes, but still need guidance — which can cause blowups over how far your kid is allowed to bike alone or what his bedtime should be.
At 8 to 10, they lose it over . . .
Things being unfair. Kids have sharpened their reasoning and debating skills — and will test them out on you at every turn. If you don’t agree with your budding lawyer’s logic about why you should let him have an iPhone, you could face an “It’s not fair!” meltdown
Taking the rap. Since your kiddo’s sense of fairness is razor-sharp, getting blamed for something he didn’t do — like snooping in his sister’s room — is sure to provoke anger.
Tweenages and up:
Red-faced moments. Tweenagers are easily embarrassed about social stuff, like being judged uncool.
Limits. Your child is starting to feel like a grownup and will resent any limits that make them feel younger.
Read the signs
Pay close attention and you can see a tantrum start to build and take steps to defuse it. Crisis averted!
At 3 to 5
Watch your preschooler’s face — the warning signs show up there first. That sweet little face will go from happy to furious (or sad) instantly.
Sidestep the fit! Explain to your kid that you can tell she’s getting upset, so you want her to take a few deep breaths with you (they’ll help calm you down, too). Drawing attention to her angry feelings will, over time, help her recognize those emotions as they rise up.
Once she’s quieted down, encourage her to talk about why she’s upset. “Say, ‘I’m listening, and I’d like us to solve this problem together.’ Don’t just jump in and solve it for her,” For example, if your child is frustrated with a certain task — like being told to get ready for bed, which can feel overwhelming — break it into more manageable pieces: Ask her to start by putting away her toys. Then have her get into her pjs, and so on.
At 6 to 7
By now, your child has learned that it’s not cool to act out at school, so he’ll unload as soon as he steps into the car or the house. You can see the signs in his face still, but pay attention to his body language, too. A kid who’s feeling blue or mad will slump his shoulders or fling his backpack across the floor.
Sidestep the fit! Six- and seven-year-olds are much better at explaining their feelings, so after those all-important deep, calming breaths, talk through what’s upsetting your kid and help him think of solutions. If you slip and make a negative comparison, try to explain what you meant in a more positive way. For instance, if you mention that Jack scored the most goals at soccer, and you notice that your child’s body language changes, follow up with an offer to kick the ball around together or with praise for a skill he does well when he plays.
At 8 to 10
Don’t bother glancing at your kid’s face or asking what’s wrong (she’ll mutter, “Nothing”). The warning signs are the way she clenches her fists or shuffles her feet.
Sidestep the fit! As long as you’re willing to lend an ear and give them prompts, many kids at this stage can calm themselves down. But if yours still needs a nudge, ask her to think of some things she can do to let off steam, like listening to music. Come up with a “cool-down” playlist and reminding your child to use it when you notice she’s on the verge of melting down.
Launch crisis maneuvers
You can do everything right and still find yourself face-to-face with a total freak-out. Sometimes walking away so as not to escalate the tantrum by shouting over it or giving it more attention can be a smart move. But here’s a better tactic: the “DNA” approach, which helps kids feel less out of control and abandoned.
Describe what you see: “Your face just scrunched up.”
Notice the feelings: “You seem angry.”
Acknowledge what your kid was hoping for and talk through alternate solutions: “You wanted a Snickers bar and I said no. If you’re hungry, you can have a granola bar or yogurt.” This approach works because you’re showing your child empathy — which is soothing — while at the same time teaching self-awareness and coping skills. As with any method, you’ll tweak it as your kid gets older.
At 3 to 5 - Show what’s happening
Preschoolers can’t calm down from their zero-to-60 screaming fit — they need you to be the inner voice that tells them it’ll be okay. Start by saying to him, “You’re safe. You can handle this.” Then, describe your child’s actions (“Your hands just balled into fists, like this”) and mimic his body language so he knows what he looks like. Next, while he’s watching you, take a deep breath. Kids’ brains are hardwired to mirror you, which means your child will automatically take a big, calming breath as well. Keep doing it until he’s able to talk through solutions.
At 6 to 7 - Don’t baby them
Since 6- and 7-year-olds are super-sensitive about being treated like babies, drop the “describing” part as well as the physical mimicry — your child might think you’re making fun of him. And since so many battles at this age are about your child’s budding independence, focus your explanations on things other than your child’s age. So, for instance, if he blows up when you tell him he can’t bike around the ’hood solo, wait until he calms down and then explain that your job is to keep him safe — and that even though he’s a careful biker, people drive like maniacs. Then offer a couple of options: Either you can go with him, or he can ride from his house to the one down the street.
At 8 to 10 - Hear ’em out
Say your child has a fit because you won’t let her dye her hair. Acknowledge her reasons without shooting them down. When she’s done, say you realize that this is something she really wants, but your answer is still no. This won’t make everything better, but it is comforting for kids to know that you care about their feelings (though they may not act that way). Then ask: “Why do you think I’m saying no?” Even if she’s off base, you’re prepping her to think in an adult way — and giving her problem-solving skills a workout. Just try to stay calm. Getting mouthy is how tweenagers meltdown, and your child is savvy enough to know how to push your buttons. Leave the room if you need a breather.
Get help if you need it.
The outbreak of coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19) is stressful for all of us. Fear and anxiety about a disease can be overwhelming and cause strong emotions in adults and children. If you or someone you love needs help, reach out.
Reliable Resources: NAMI COVID-19 (Coronavirus) Information and Resources, Find Your Local NAMI, American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association: Pandemics, Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), Psychology Today Therapist Directory,Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and World Health Organization (WHO). SAMSA Disaster Distress Help 800-985-5990, NAMI Helpline 800-950-6264, Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 and National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255.
Works referenced in developing this article:
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (March 30th, 2020). National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases (NCIRD), Division of Viral Diseases
Jones, S. M., Bailey, R., Barnes, S. P., & Partee, A. (2016). Executive Function Mapping Project: Untangling the Terms and Skills Related to Executive Function and Self-Regulation in Early Childhood. OPRE Report # 2016-88, Washington, DC: Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.